Why Don’t You Like Me???

Posted: May 26, 2014 in Satire
Tags: , , , , ,

Girls of the world: you can stop pretending now. I’m in on the secret! I have moved past the denial and anger stages. I’m almost ready to reach acceptance. I just have one last question for all of you:

why dont you like me

Seriously. Why don’t you like me?!

Mayhaps it is because I’m just too awesome. I have been known to have up to three friends at any given time, and I once stayed up until 3:00 a.m. on a school night.

Or is it because I’m too handsome? That’s the reason, isn’t it?! This is so awkward… I knew this would come up. But surely you must realize that my dashing looks are actually a curse! Everyone just assumes that I know how good-looking I am, so they never compliment me on my physical appearance. People don’t realize that I hardly ever see myself, so I need to be reminded that I’m good-looking!

People are constantly complimenting aspects of my personality. As if I care about that! Why does my personality have to matter so much? Can’t my looks be enough? “You are so sweet,” girls will say. That is so offensive. I am a person, not a piece of chocolate!

When a girl compliments my personality, she might think she is doing me a favor. But really all she is doing is telling me that, if it weren’t for my personality, she would have absolutely no interest in me. She doesn’t even care what I look like. And that hurts more than anything else… even more than getting kicked in the face repeatedly by a tiny cartoon karate man, a la Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s.

taylor swift kicked

Any compliments I do get about my physical appearance will come in the forms of cheap standby phrases like “You have such a nice smile.” Why do you have to reduce me to my smile? Why can’t you compliment my butt? I’m more than just a nice set of teeth, you know.

Just drop the act, OK? I know that I have been added to the official do-not-date list. I know that all the girls in the world have been plotting against me for the past 24 years.

Don’t worry. I’m not angry. I’ve known for a while that something is up. Everywhere I go, girls flip me off… maybe not with their fingers, but definitely with their eyes. And with their words. “Whoever ends up with you will be so lucky,” girls will claim. Yet when I ask them if they want to become this allegedly lucky girl, they adamantly avoid the possibility with this brisk response:

arrested development

Fine. I get it. Really, I do. And you know what? It doesn’t even matter. I don’t need anyone’s approval…

Who am I kidding? I need the approval, more than I’ve ever needed anything else.

Why you no like me???

Please somebody like me!!!

That’s it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I must journey into the world of internet dating, as dire as it may be. There I will find somebody who will judge me purely on my appearance, which is all I ever wanted. I don’t want somebody who likes me for me. That is the last thing I want. I don’t need a girl to accept my lack of talent in sports (and in general), my inability to remember the order of the alphabet without singing the ABC song, my love for Katy Perry songs and hatred for anything mint, my lack of vocational ambition and/or personal hygiene. I want somebody who just wants me for my body! Is that too much to ask??

Note: Do not take this post too seriously… seriously. Please, I beg of you!


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