My New Best Friend

Posted: June 16, 2014 in Satire
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Over the years, I have crossed paths with a variety of people who I eventually called a “best friend.” I have come to learn that friends, like snowflakes, come in all shapes and sizes. To prove that such is the case, I have taken the liberty to include some pictures of my best friends, with their permission of course:


best friend 3



It seems like a new best friend comes into the mix every year, at least since I started college. And seeing as it has been almost a year since I found my last best friend (pictured above, the tall skinny one with the strange brown hat), I am bound to find my newest best friend sooner rather than later. Not to mention that nearly two people have shown interest in befriending me within the past six months.

However, there is a certain temporary aspect of best friends that makes me wary of finding a new one. Sooner or later, relationships change; they change because people change and circumstances change. How many 50-year-olds still interact regularly with their childhood best friend? I know it happens, but not very often.

The constant shifting of circumstances can be hard on yours truly, a man who seeks stability in a constantly changing world. Considering that most of my best friends seem to be experts on moving on with life, getting married and having babies and such, I am often left alone, never moving forward in life and hoping to find people who will live life the same way.

Therefore, I find it necessary to write down the criteria for my newest best friend, which will prevent me from experiencing the growing pains that long-term friendships so often entail.

My new best friend will hang out with me as much as want us to. Quality time is my love language, so they should expect to spend time with me every day. If I grow weary of their presence, I might excuse them from my life for a time, but otherwise they are expected to be at my constant beck and call.

My new best friend will have all the same friends as me. Which means they will have no other friends besides me.

My new best friend cannot be in a romantic relationship unless I am in one first.

My new best friend and I will always live within ten minutes of each other. Under no circumstances will they move away. If, for any reason, I decide to move away, they will be expected to move with me. They will be the fake relative to my future children and/or future pet alligators. Basically, they will be like Uncle Joey from Full House, minus the strong child molester vibe.

My new best friend will travel the world with me. They will preferably be loaded (with cash, not drugs) so as to pay my way for these trips.

My new best friend will constantly remind me of how awesome I am. If they do not meet their quota of 17,000 compliments a day, they will write a 284-page essay about why they love me so much.

My new best friend will inform me about any change of plans at least three years ahead of time. If they cancel plans at the last-minute, I will make them listen to Nicki Minaj music for a minimum of three days.

My new best friend will be willing to give me chocolate in one form or another at least seventeen times a day. This chocolate can come in the form of candies, baked goods, or beverages. Exceptional performance in this area will earn them substantial rewards–an awkward pat on the head, a text with a smiley face at the end of it… However, if they try to get me to eat anything with mint in it, they will be severely penalized. Penalties include a $5000.00 fine, passive-aggressive comments at their expense, and instant death. That last one might seem a tad extreme, but I take my food very seriously, and I expect my best friends to do the same.

If my new best friend is constantly on their phone while I am with them, I will confiscate their phone, pee on it, and then return it to them. We’ll see how much they want to use the phone after that.

My new best friend will fully support and even encourage my celebrity crushes, namely Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, and Katy Perry. Bonus points to any best friend who convinces one of those women to marry me.

If, at times, it seems I am asking too much of my new best friend, they will know that I do it out of love… love for getting what I want. They will also know that, if I ever seem needy or possessive, it is only because I am.

That about sums it up. In essence, I am looking for the last best friend I will ever have to make. They will be fiercely loyal to me… kind of like a dog, only they will neither sniff my butt nor pee on my floor, and I will make sure to extend them the same courtesy (except for in extreme cases, which come up more often than you’d think).

Most importantly, my new best friend will never hurt me, knowing that I have been hurt far too much in the past. If, by unfortunate circumstance, they mess up in this regard, my love and loyalty toward them will force me to forgive them in the end. However, my guilt-tripping skills are extensive and renowned. A person who hurts me is a person to pity indeed, for hell hath no fury like a Matthew scorned.


I reduced my last best friend into a pile of ashes using my laser eyes!

Good luck, future best friend: You’re going to need it.


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