Self-Exploration: Matthew, Version 2008

Posted: August 23, 2014 in Life, Social Media
Tags: , , , , , ,

Say what you want about Facebook stalking, but we have all done it at one point or another. OK, maybe I shouldn’t say we have all done it. That is most likely a gross generalization.

For those who have engaged in the art of Facebook stalking, you most likely have stalked a crush, a friend of a friend, a sister’s ex-boyfriend’s first cousin’s daughter’s teacher, or all manner of other people.

Not me. Instead, I focus my Facebook stalking efforts on myself. That is to say, I occasionally go back a few years on my own Facebook wall and see what my past self was up to. No, I’m not vain… I just find myself to be a lot more interesting than everyone else. What’s wrong with that??

Last month, Buzzfeed did a post about embarrassing Facebook statuses from 2008. This inspired me to take a look at the imprint that 2008 Matthew left on the social media front. What I found was too great not to share with the world… and by the world, I mean my mom–the number one fan of my blog, in that she is the only one who reads it. I’m kidding, of course: my mom does not read my blog.

Anyway, as I was saying, here is a look into the 2008 version of myself, as told through my own Facebook statuses. Most people would probably be embarrassed by their statuses from six years ago, but those people were clearly not natural social media connoisseurs like myself. What you’re about to see might disturb you, in that you will be disturbed by how awesome I was back in 2008.

First off, my 2008 self was very good at posting statuses that would pique other people’s interest and make them jealous of his exciting, edge-of-your-seat life.

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Wow. How interesting! I am so glad that my past self felt the need to share these important details with the world. I can only imagine how many people were envious of my life back in 2008. Since then, my life has become so boring and mundane, as is exemplified through my more recent statuses.

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YAWN. Who cares?? Methinks I need to return to the thrilling statuses from 2008. Though I wouldn’t want to make people too jealous. #generosityisthewaytogo #waitijustusedahashtaginablogpost #thatsreallyembarrassing #itsokthoughbecauseionlyusehashtagsironically #twilightforever

And speaking of making other people jealous, I’m sure the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head when my 18-year-old self posted statuses as awesome as this one:

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The cool factor here is almost overwhelming. I’m not sure why I was so embarrassed about saying “party hardy.” Maybe I was embarrassed by how awesome I was? And obviously, I have always been quite the party animal. I have been known to hang out with up to two people at once!

2008 Matthew was also not one to crack under pressure.

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Wow. I’m not sure exactly how I decided my life within six minutes, but I am confident that I made the right decision. After all, how could you not trust someone who spent his time on meaningful pursuits such as the one below?

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When faced with the challenges that life threw him (such as rabid bunnies, apparently), 2008 Matthew almost always managed to keep his cool.

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Even so, other people just didn’t understand 2008 Matthew. In fact, he was even known to have an enemy or two.

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I’m not sure what caused people to develop such strong animosity toward my past self. My first suspicion would be jealousy, of course. Or maybe it was because these enemies sensed that 2008 Matthew’s future self (circa 2014) would refer to him in the third person, and they thought that was “lame” and “pathetic” and that such actions made him a “tool.” Whatever it was, the lack of understanding that was thrown at my past self was enough to cause even him to lose his cool every once in a while.

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Whoa. Don’t mess with 2008 Matthew, guys. He means business. Such raw anger. But no matter how frightening his threats were, he always found room in his heart for generosity as well.

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Now, I’m not sure exactly what it even means to be a Facebook Nazi, but I’m proud of my former self for realizing his own mistake and taking action to change his ways. How inspiring.

My 18-year-old self was always looking out for his loved ones, and was aware of the very real dangers that threatened the world around him.

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Angry Twilight fans–does it get any scarier than that? The answer is a resounding YES. It does get scarier, as was evidenced in 2008 Matthew’s frequent run-ins with a certain Scary Mary.

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I’m not sure who exactly Scary Mary is or why I was so obsessed with her. All I know is that, at the time, I felt like she was out to get me and the ones I held dear. Could I have possibly been talking about THIS Scary Mary?

I always knew there was something off about that Mary Poppins. What a Blitch.


(Blitch was Mary Poppins’ mother’s maiden name, obviously.)

Suffice it to say, 2008 me posted some statuses that some people might call “stupid” or “pitiful.” Those people don’t understand the true meaning of cool, because clearly my 18-year-old was awesomeness personified. I was so cool, in fact, that I apparently got married before I had even finished high school.

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That’s strange. I don’t remember getting married. You would think I would remember such a milestone, but apparently not. Oh well!

In conclusion, I was worried that my old statuses would be a source of great shame for me, but so relieved when I realized that wasn’t the case! It’s clear that social media came naturally to me. My old statuses aren’t a source of shame but instead evidence of my unconquerable coolness. Or maybe I’m just being completely sarcastic. You decide!




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