Once upon a time, in a strange, faraway land called “Utah,” there lived a man whose disdain for all things romantic seemed irrepressible. He was, as they say, a “murderer of love.”

murderer of love

The normal ups and downs of life had left him in a cold, hardened state–much like frozen hamburger meat, though not nearly as easy to thaw, nor as delicious to eat.

A villainous being who was more or less allergic to all things love-related, he trudged through life with a glare plastered on his face, wishing ill will to any who shamelessly paraded their love around for everyone to see.

want them dead

As time went on, his disdain evolved to an alarming level. One night, at the peak of his bitterness, he wrote these rather antagonistic words about love:

Clearly… true love does not exist! At least, not in the romantic sense.

People oftentimes claim to find their one true love, their soul mate, their other half . . . whatever you call it, it is all a LIE. There is not one specific person out there who is meant to be with somebody else. And you might be able to find someone who you can stand to call your spouse, but is that spouse really anything more than someone of convenience, someone who will provide you with companionship so you don’t have to feel bad about staying in and watching Netflix on a Friday night?

Harsh words from a harsh man. His disdain for love became infectious, seeping through the cracks of any building he entered like a poisonous gas. It seemed likely, for a long time, that his hatred for love could never be overcome.

Until one day, when this murderer of love crossed paths with a seductress who changed everything. She cast a spell on him that made him feel the love he had fought against for so many years.

The former murderer of love dated the seductress for over ten years (that’s ten years in Mormon Time, which is actually eight months by normal standards) until March 13th, 2015, when he got on one knee and proposed… and she said yes! Now, the murderer of love and the seductress are engaged to be married on the morning of August 15.

And thus the murderer of love has been defeated once and for all. No, he won’t pull a Lord Voldemort and come back after 15 years. He is gone for good. He has hung up the keys to the bitter chambers of his heart.

I know this because I am that murderer of love.

mary poppins

For years and years, I was the cloud that rained on all the couples’ parades. I was the perpetual bitter third wheel on the metaphorical tricycle of love, the wheel that always goes flat because thorns get caught in it. Yet now, I have become, as my friend so graciously pointed out, “Exactly what I used to hate.”

It has been less than a year since I wrote that true love didn’t exist. Now here I am, not just in love but freaking ENGAGED (pardon my French), and I say words like “fiance” and “shnookums” and “snuggie for two” without even batting an eye. Surely, the murderer of love in me is throwing up with rage. But I will continue to silence him until he is nothing but a distant memory, because I’m much happier now than I was before.

never going ack

Though I guess in some ways, the murderer of love in me is not completely gone, nor do I think he will be anytime soon. I still hate most other people’s love. Couples are still annoying. There are only a few couples whose love is acceptable to me. I’m glad my parents love each other, because growing up with two parents who loved each other is definitely a blessing that I would never complain about, except for when I was a teenager and my parents were “uncool.” (As a side note, they’re still uncool, but the only difference now is that I’ve given up on being cool by now, so it doesn’t matter to me anymore). I am also happy that my oldest sister found love and will be getting married later this week! And nowadays I would be happy for pretty much anyone to find love, as long as they don’t show their love too much in front of me. In my love-murdering days, I would have been happy that they were happy, but at the same time resentful that more people had found love while I was stuck in my bitter state. And I might have even secretly rooted for them to become single again, as terrible as that might sound, because being single is only fun when you’re being single with someone else.

For any of you murderers of love who are reading this right now, please know that I understand where you’re coming from, and I hope you don’t see me as a traitor now that I’m engaged. I may be in a different place now, but I will never forget my roots as one of love’s most heartless murderers. Still, I would encourage you to believe that love is very real and can happen to anyone, even at the most unexpected of times. One needs to only look at some of history’s greatest couples, both real and fictional, to be reassured of that:

adam and eve

Adam and Eve. They loved each other so much, they even insisted on eating the same fruit!

krasinski and blunt

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt. If their love ever ends, then all hope is lost in the world.

monica and chandler

Monica and Chandler. Who proved to my middle-school self that true love did exist (I might or might not have thought Friends was a documentary at the time…), thereby delaying my status as murderer of love until high school.

Parks and Recreation - Season 5

Leslie and Ben. Because nerdy love is the best kind of love.

????????????????????

Ellen and Portia. Because I might or might not have watched their wedding video (by accident, of course… I was trying to watch football but was led to the video by mistake), and it was touching!

kermit and piggie

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. Because their love is deeper than any of us humans can possibly understand.

So there you have it. Love does exist, and it can be found. Even I was able to find love in a hopeless place: Utah.

I would like to end with some words of wisdom: This world is a terrible place, filled with terrible people. When you’re lucky enough to find someone who isn’t terrible, who makes you feel like this world is a place worth living in, then you should take advantage of it. Even if you are a murderer of love.

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