Excerpts from My Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Posted: June 17, 2016 in Fan Fiction, Harry Potter, Satire, Spoof
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Once upon a time, I was obsessed enough with the Harry Potter books to write several of my own spoofs based on the series. It was only several years later that I recognized these stories for what they really were: fan fiction.

That’s right. I used to write fan fiction.

Tragically, most of these stories are on a flash drive that I lost a few years ago. The good news is that I had the foresight to put just one of my stories on a fan fiction website right before I lost the flash drive.

It is with great reluctance that I share just some parts of my story (it’s in your best interest to not read the whole thing), but I figure we could all use a laugh during these troubling times, even if it’s at the cost of my own dignity.

To set the scene, the story starts with Ron and Hermione eloping in Hogsmeade (even though they’re only 16) and then having their honeymoon in Hagrid’s cabin. They both are heading up to Hogwarts to use the bathroom when the following happens:

Voldemort: (Pops out of nowhere in front of Ron and Hermione and holds hands up) Stop!

Ron: Oh my gosh! It’s LORD VOLDEMORT!

Hermione and Voldemort: Well, DUH!

Voldemort: Come here, Miss Granger.

Hermione: Why? What do you want from me?

Voldemort: It is necessary that one of you dies tonight. Don’t ask, just accept! I chose you, Hermione, because you’re a mudblood. Plus I don’t like your outfit all that much.

Hermione: Don’t take me, take someone less important! (Looks around frantically, looks at Ron, then pushes him forward) Take Ron!

Voldemort: Very well. (Grabs Ron’s arm)

Ron: (Struggling) What? No, Hermione! What are you doing?

Hermione: Sorry, Ronald! I can’t die without taking my N.E.W.T.’s!

Hermione leaves Ron behind, only to find him waiting for her in the Hogwarts castle, now in ghost form.

Hermione: Oh hey, Ron! What’s up?

Ron: Do you notice anything different about me?

Hermione: Not really… Oh wait, I know! You got a haircut!

Ron: I’m a ghost, you idiot!

Hermione: You’re dead? When did that happen?

Ron: You just let Voldemort kill me!

Hermione: Did I? I don’t remember that. Then again, I think I’m still a bit tipsy from the reception.

Ron: We didn’t have any alcohol at the reception.

Hermione: OK, what is this really about, Ron?

Ron: I want an apology.

Hermione: Not gonna happen. Can’t I just buy you dinner?

Ron: I can’t eat, Hermione. I’m a ghost!

Hermione: Oh, get over it!

Ron: I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Hermione.

Hermione: Why, are you seeing another woman? Is it that tramp Hannah Abbott from Herbology?

Ron: Ew, no, she’s hideous!

(Hannah Abbott emerges from behind a suit of armor and runs away, crying)

Ron: We’re done, Hermione. I’ve already moved on. It’s time you did the same. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, where we’ll make beautiful bathroom floods together. So, until we meet again, which hopefully will never happen, I bid you adieu.

Hermione: Yeah, not listening. Look, if you’re not going to come to the cabin tonight, I’ll just go up to my dormitory. But don’t come crying to me when you get over this whole me-sacrificing-you-to-Voldemort thing, because this (slaps her bum, making a freakishly loud smacking noise) will not stay on the market for long, you know what I’m saying? (Walks away)

Later, Hermione is sitting in the common room alone, mourning the loss of her husband.

Hermione: I can’t believe Ron’s dead. And I have to tell his family. They’re going to be so upset when they find out it was my fault—especially Ginny. She always overreacts to everything!

Ginny: (Emerges from behind the curtains) I heard that, Hermione. And I couldn’t help but overhear that you’re looking for a new boyfriend.

Hermione: I never said I’m looking for a new boyfriend.

Ginny: I think I know how to help you with your problem. You see, Parvati runs the Hogwarts Speed Dating Service, and I’m sure she’d be happy to tell you when the next session is.

Hermione: Why did they pick the sluttiest girl in the school to run the speed dating service?

Parvati: (Standing up from behind a couch) You’re not gonna get any help from me with that attitude, you little ho! No offense.

Hermione: Saying “no offense” doesn’t take the offense away!

Parvati: Whatever. Look, the next speed dating session is this Saturday at eight, in the Great Hall. Be there, or be a lesbian. Seamus said he’d be there!

Hermione: I hate Seamus with a fiery passion!

Seamus: (Comes out of the fireplace) I don’t care for you too much either, Hermione!

Hermione: Why are you all popping out of random places like that?

Seamus: We were just playing hide-and-go-seek, Hogwarts style.

Parvati: Hermione, I can’t possibly imagine a boy ever liking you, but I think you should at least give speed dating a shot. You might even decide you like it!

Hermione: I don’t know… on the first day of school, Harry said, “You might even decide you like Parvati!” But that hasn’t happened yet, now has it?

Ginny: Come on, Hermione, just give it a chance! I had a blast doing speed dating; I often ended up making out with twelve guys in one night!

Hermione: Yeah, but you’re naturally promiscuous.

Ginny: Be that as it may, there’s a promiscuous girl in everyone, even in the boys! You just have to believe…

Hermione: You know, I aspire to be a lot of things, but promiscuous is not one of them.

Ginny: Shh, Hermione, shhhhhh.

Parvati and Ginny eventually convince Hermione to try speed dating, after which Parvati jumps in with some “helpful” advice. (Note: I used to say “itch” in place of another similar, much harsher word).

Parvati: Oh, Hermione, I’m so excited for me! I mean you. Do you need help getting ready?

Hermione: No, I’ll probably just go looking like I usually do.

Parvati: I’m sorry, I think I just threw up in my mouth. You can’t be serious!

Hermione: What’s wrong with the way I look?

Parvati: (Looks Hermione over with a blank look on her face) You know, I think Luna knows a makeover spell that will be perfect for you.

Hermione: I don’t want a makeover from that itch!

Parvati: Great! Now we’re halfway to getting a guy to like you. If only we could completely make over your personality, you’d have a really good chance of finding someone.

Hermione: Hey, I have a fantastic personality.

Parvati: Again, throw up in the mouth.

Hermione then goes up to her dormitory to find Crookshanks sitting on her bed.

Hermione: Hello, Crookshanks. (Starts petting him) At least I have one friend left in this world.

(Crookshanks jumps and clings onto Hermione’s face, smothering her. Muffled screams come from Hermione. Ginny walks in)

Ginny: Oh no! (Points wand at Crookshanks) Avada Kedavra!

(Crookshanks falls to the ground, dead)

Hermione: Did you really have to kill him?

Ginny: Yes.

Hermione: You could have just stunned him! And besides, you almost killed me, Ginny!

Ginny: I was willing– and hoping– to make that sacrifice.

Hermione: (Taking out wand) You’re gonna pay for that one, Ginny.

Ginny: Oh, wait! I just realized that this isn’t my dorm room! I’m a year below you, so my dorm is down one floor… silly me! (Walks out)

Hermione: Wait, come back here! Dang it!

Parvati: (Crawling out from under a bed) Don’t you hate it when people walk out on you right when you’re about to hex them?

Hermione: How did you get up here so quickly?

Parvati: That is neither here nor there, Hermione.

Hermione: Then… where is it?

After talking to Parvati for a while, Hermione announces that she’s going to bed.

Parvati: You can’t go to bed! Stay up for another few days! We haven’t had girl talk for a while…

Hermione: We’ve never had girl talk!

Parvati: It’s just… I feel like I’ve been really mean to you, and I really want to start over.

Hermione: Oh… well, I would like that! So… what do you want to talk about?

Parvati: Boys! Or maybe gas prices.

(Enter Lavender Brown)

Lavender: Hey girls and Hermione!

Hermione: So yeah, the gas prices are getting really ridic–

Parvati: Shhh, Hermione, don’t care! So Lavender, what do you think of that new boy in our Potions class?

Lavender: We’re not taking Potions anymore, Parvati.

Parvati: Shhhh, get me out of this conversation! Hermione is such a bore!

The following Saturday evening, Hermione enters the Great Hall to attend her first speed dating session. A bunch of boys are standing against one hall, and a bunch of girls are standing against the opposite hall. Hermione stands in line with the girls. Parvati walks up to her.

Hermione: This had better be good, Parvati! I gave up a perfectly good night of doing nothing and getting fat for this! If I don’t find a guy to marry by tonight, I’m suing you!

Parvati: Hermione, you can’t expect to meet someone, fall in love, and get married in one night! These things take time, especially for someone like you, who has so little going for her.

Hermione: What is that supposed to mean?

Parvati: Look, I don’t have the time or energy to go through my list of criticisms for you right now.

Hermione: You know what? I’ve just realized that I don’t want to get dating help from a tramp like you. I’m leaving!

Parvati: OK!

Hermione: Really? You’re giving up that easily? But you worked so hard to get me here!

Parvati: That’s because this is a set-up. There’s no speed-dating at Hogwarts. It was banned after the Hogwarts pregnancy rate skyrocketed. I just gathered everybody here to have a surprise party for you!

Everyone else: SURPRISE!

Hermione: (Shocked) Um… what is this for?

Parvati: To celebrate your birthday, silly!

Hermione: My birthday isn’t for another seven months, Parvati.

Parvati: Be that as it may, this should more than make up for all the horrible things I’ve said and done to you, including that potion I slipped into your pumpkin juice this morning.

Hermione: What potion?

Parvati: The potion that makes you pregnant. Congratulations, you’re going to have a baby!

Hermione: Oh no…. not again.

Parvati: What?

Hermione: Wait a minute… I didn’t drink pumpkin juice this morning, Parvati.

Parvati: Well then… who did I give the potion to?

Voice: (Coming from the doorway) Me.

(Everybody turns. Professor McGonagall is standing in the doorway)

Parvati: Ew, you’re preggers? But you’re viciously old!

McGonagall: Six thousand points from Gryffindor! And besides, it wasn’t me who said it, it was the person standing behind me.

(McGonagall moves aside to reveal Angelina Jolie)

Parvati: Angelina Jolie? What are you doing here?

Angelina: My dear, I am a Hogwarts alumni.

Hermione: You’re a witch?

Angelina: More of a seductress, really, but yes, I do have magical powers. I just came here for a brief visit. Little did I know I would end up pregnant! This makes baby number 26! I never should have stopped in the Great Hall and stolen that goblet of pumpkin juice from that ugly, frizzy-haired girl.

Hermione: Hey, who are you calling frizzy-haired?

THE END

After reading this story, my wife said that it was probably okay that the rest of my fan fiction was lost along with that flash drive.

Believe it or not, this was probably the most sensible Harry Potter spoof I wrote. The stories that followed were all sequels, and the series only got more ridiculous as it progressed. Here are just some of the bizarre plot points from the rest of the series:

  • Hermione is haunted in her dreams by a pink dementor who is very sensitive about its weight.
  • Ron’s ghost falls in love with Moaning Myrtle, but only after Myrtle gets plastic surgery.
  • Dobby sends Hermione several death threats because he doesn’t like her hair. Luna and Dobby have a short fling, but Luna soon grows weary of his presence and flushes him down a toilet.
  • Voldemort and Harry live together in an effort to mend their troubled relationship. Their brief stint as roommates ends after they get in a fight over which color their curtains should be.
  • The cast of Friends comes to Hogwarts as a punishment for allegedly blowing up their favorite coffee house, Central Perk. Jack Bauer and some other characters from 24 tag along to keep an eye on the suspected criminals.
  • Hermione creates a robot version of Ron, since the real Ron is now dead and dating Moaning Myrtle. She takes Robot Ron for granted and eventually falls in love with Voldemort instead, but Voldemort ends up marrying Susan Pevensie from The Chronicles of Narnia.
  • In an effort to fix the past (including the death of the real Ron), Hermione dresses up as a man and travels back in time. Naturally, the Hermione from the past ends up falling in love with the Hermione who is dressed up as a man.
  • Random celebrities show up out of nowhere in various points of the series, including Celine Dion, Kelly Clarkson, Lindsay Lohan, and Avril Lavigne. I’m not sure why I was so obsessed with putting female singers in Harry Potter fan fiction, but oh well.
  • And much, much more!

I can’t help but feel a little sad that I have almost nothing to show for the hours I spent writing these stories. My only comfort is in knowing that J.K. Rowling will inevitably run across this blog post and realize just how brilliant this spinoff series would have been. Maybe she can help me re-create the stories from scratch and turn them into a movie! When that day comes, I only have one request: Parvati needs to be played by Mindy Kaling. I just think she could deliver Parvati’s sassy lines so much better than anyone else.

kelly

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