As we settle into the new year, it’s a good time to ask ourselves a few important questions: Am I happy where I am today? Is my life going in the direction I want it to go? Is tomato a fruit or vegetable?
Unfortunately, the above questions are often difficult to answer… especially that last one. Stupid tomatoes! They’re squishy and gross, and they ruin a good sandwich. What good did they ever do anybody??
When it comes to the first two questions, however, there is a useful tool that can help you find the answer. That tool is called a vision board.
The existence of vision boards was first brought to my attention by the short-lived ABC comedy Happy Endings, which only lasted for three seasons but still managed to teach me more than my high school education ever did.
According to happyblackwoman.com, A vision board is a powerful visualization tool that you can use as inspiration for your journey toward your ideal life. Some people refer to it as a dreamboard or an inspiration board.
Happy Endings elaborated on this concept by claiming that the universe would make everything on a vision board true. So that’s what it takes to make the universe notice you!
So my sister and I tested our luck by making vision boards of our own at the beginning of 2014. And apparently the universe, like my freshman English teacher, really likes projects done on poster boards. But while my English teacher only rewarded me with an A, the universe rewarded me by making my dreams come true.
At this point, you’re probably realizing that you opened this blog by accident because you are mind-numbingly drunk, and most likely you’re fixing to click the “back” button. I would encourage you to keep reading anyway. I guarantee that this post will change your life, or your money back. Hopefully you are too drunk to realize that you never invested any money in the first place.
For those fair few who are willing to continue reading, I’m going to share with you just a few of the wishes that I put on my vision board at the beginning of 2014, wishes that the universe so graciously granted me by the year’s end.
Wish #1: A Dog
Just kidding, I didn’t get a dog. Sorry, that was misleading. I did, however, rent a lot of puppies. Yes, puppy rental is a thing where I live. Some people claim that a puppy rental service might as well be called “puppy prostitution,” but I just see it as an opportunity to pay for an hour of fun without commitment! Oh wait, that sounds exactly like prostitution. But no matter what it sounds like, it really is the best way to have access to dogs without subjecting yourself to the burden of actually owning one. I think the universe saw this particular wish and said, “Seriously, dude? There’s no way I’m punishing a dog by sending it to you.” Apparently the universe is very hurtful and talks like a California surfer, but it has a point. Seeing as I once left a fish in my closet for like three days (I had hid it from the RA because we weren’t allowed to have pets of any kind in the dorms), I can only imagine what damage I would do to a dog.
Wish #2: Graduating College
This one’s kind of cheating because I was already on track to graduate college anyway. But who knows? If I had not put this on my vision board, maybe a giant bird would have carried me away as I walked to class one day, preventing me from graduating. Luckily, the universe was on my side, and I successfully graduated college in April. The above picture perfectly encapsulates how I felt at the time: flustered and confused about where my life was taking me. And also a little gassy.
Wish #3: Travel
The universe was quite literal on this one. I think I actually put a picture of a waterfall on my vision board to represent my desire to travel, and look at what the universe gave me! One of my best friends and I took a graduation trip to the Pacific Northwest. We visited Portland (the above picture was taken at the nearby Columbia River Gorge), Seattle, and Vancouver. It was my first time in that region, and I absolutely loved it! Portland was full of hippies who were married to trees. In Seattle I’m pretty sure I saw more rain in three days than I saw in the first 19 years of my life. Then we crossed the border to Canada, where everyone drinks maple syrup and moose are the main form of transportation.
Just a few weeks later, I took another graduation trip, this time with my family to New Orleans. We explored the French Quarter, took a ghost tour, ate lots of seafood, sampled beignets, visited a plantation, and embarked on a swamp tour. It was quite the trip! The only low point was when I ran into my ex-girlfriend, Aluicious, pictured above. She was quite enraged at the sight of me! We also drove to Mississippi to go to the beach one day. I got a striped sunburn that made me look like a radioactive zebra. Always make sure to apply your sunscreen evenly, kids!
After I was finished traveling outside of Utah, it was time for me to see new places close to where I live! Living in Utah has its disadvantages, namely horrible drivers and bi-polar weather, but the summer here almost makes up for it. I got to see Arches, a national park in Southern Utah I had never visited before. I went to a fake beach that I had never even known existed. I discovered a new dumpster that was green instead of blue. Life was good.
Wish #4: A Job
I was lucky enough to get a real adult job right after I graduated. Now I work in an origami company called MultiLing, where we make paper cranes for homeless snails. Just kidding, it’s actually a translation company. In the above picture, we had just spent hours making 1,000 origami cranes for a sick co-worker. (According to Japanese legend, making 1,000 paper cranes will enlist the healing hand of the gods.) But that’s not usually what I do at work. When I tell people I work at a translation company, they always assume that I translate from one language to another. I then have to tell them that I don’t translate: instead, I work in client services, preparing documents for the translation process and sending the documents to the people who do the actual translating. People always seem disappointed when they find out I don’t actually translate anything, but then I punch them in the face and they get over it pretty quickly. The important thing is that, for the first time, I have a legit job. I get a salary, and paid vacation, and a SECURITY BADGE! OK, so that last part isn’t very exciting, but I was running out of things to brag about. I mean, it’s a perfectly good job and I’m grateful for it, but it’s not like I’m a manny for Celine Dion’s children–or some other dream job that sounds more manly.
Wish #5: A Girl
Now, I had actually put a picture of Katniss Everdeen on my vision board to represent my desire to find a girlfriend. The universe took half of the year to realize that Katniss was a ficticious character–the universe is all-powerful and generous, but it can be kind of slow sometimes. Once it came to this understanding, however, it found me someone better than Katniss. While Katniss is violent, cold, and I think maybe a little racist, Whitney is gentle, warm, and treats all people equally. Whitney never tries to get me to eat poison berries, and she most certainly doesn’t make out with other men on national television. Team Whitney for the win!
I mentioned that the universe is sometimes slow at figuring things out, but maybe the truth is that the universe makes us earn our reward. Let me explain: 2014 started out horrible–just awful, like the dialogue between Padme and Anakin in Attack of the Clones. It was making out (and not in the fun way–not that I would know, GROSS) to be the worst year of my existence, and that’s only a very slight exaggeration. But then the universe started rewarding me in ways I could never have imagined. At the end of 2014, I could safely say that it had been the best year of the decade by far. Granted, I spent 2010 in the belly of a whale, and I was so drunk for 2011-2013 that I can’t even remember a single day out of those three years, so it’s not saying much to give the title of “Best Year of the Decade” to 2014, but that is neither here nor there.
The point is that, if you decide to make a vision board IMMEDIATELY after reading this post (as I suspect everybody will), don’t be discouraged if the board doesn’t seem to be working at first. The universe is just beating you down so you can feel happier when the rewards start coming. Take it from somebody who knows: you’re brother is definitely a geek. Wait, that’s a quote from Recess. What I meant to say is that vision boards work! Mine saved 2014 from being two-thousand-and-BORING. Oh dear… that was terrible. I need to log off and re-think my life now.
But before I do that, let me outline what I will put on my vision board for 2015. Since my 2014 board was so successful, I figure that I might as well test just how generous the universe really is. Someone once described me as “astoundingly lazy,” so I’m not sure if I will ever actually getting around to making a physical vision board, but maybe writing my wishes here will be enough for the universe, just this once:
Wishes for 2015
- World Piece. I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…
- A Pony. I don’t even want a pony… I’m just curious to see how dedicated the universe is to making the wishes of a vision board come true.
- The end of The Simpsons. Please, for the love, just end it. It hasn’t been funny in years.
- I want Amanda Bynes to stop being crazy. She needs to make a big comeback, a la Britney Spears. I’m waiting for She’s the Man 2: Lost in New York!
- The ability to fly. Seriously, I’m sick of buying airplane tickets.
And that’s my “vision board” for 2015. Your move, universe.
Oh, What a Life 