My First Blog Post as a Married Man

The last time I published a blog post, I was getting ready to move a whole 43 miles north of where I was currently living and start a brand new chapter of my life. Almost three months have passed since that last post, and while 43 miles might seem like something that is barely even worth blogging about, the truth is that a lot has changed about my life since I moved. Of course, that’s not a coincidence. My life didn’t change because I moved. I moved because my life was about to change.

On August 15, 2015, I got married, much to the surprise to anyone who has known me for more than five seconds. One person, upon hearing the news of my pending nuptials, proclaimed, “Miracles do happen!” We are no longer friends. There is such a thing as getting too excited over hearing that your friend is getting married, people.

Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The wedding went very well. It was NOT like every wedding episode on every TV show ever where something goes terribly wrong. Sure, there were some minor hiccups, but no exes showed up proclaiming their undying love, and nobody tried to run away. So all things considered, I’d say it went pretty well.

Since my wife already feels that people are starting to get sick of our love, I will only share a few pictures from our honeymoon, which was spent on the island of Kauai, Hawaii.

We were a little obsessed with pina coladas. And yes, we were sunburned pretty badly.

We didn’t actually swim with the dolphins, but we got to see them up close!

I like turtles.

Photo-bombed by a fish!

Kauai is called the “Garden Island.” I wonder why?! 😛

Don’t be jealous of how attractive we are.

Hawaii was awesome, but eventually it was time to go back to real life… a job for me, school for her, and the normal day-to-day struggles that are just a natural part of living.

People said marriage would be a difficult adjustment, but for me, the difficult adjustment has not been in the marriage itself, but in the status of being married… you know, marking the “Married” box on all the doctors’ forms and referring to “My wife.” I think maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to get used to all of that, but the feeling comes and goes.

Other than that, the only difficult adjustment has been overcoming the writer’s block that has plagued me since I got married, which is why I haven’t posted up until now.

As I have considered my post-marital blogging struggles, one of my favorite episodes of 30 Rock comes to mind. In this episode, Liz is on the hunt for a new female best friend. Not really knowing how to relate to other women (or anybody for that matter), she approaches a group of women and tries to start a conversation with this awkward opener:

Ever since I got married, whenever I sit down and try to write a blog post, I feel like Liz Lemon walking up to that group of women. Do I have to start blogging like other married people I know? Am I supposed to share my favorite crockpot recipes and inspiring quotes from famous people about love??

NEVER!!

Let’s be real for a minute and just address the elephant in the room: married people are boring, and so are their blogs. Everybody knows that the best blogs are written by jaded singletons! Their cynical and self-deprecating ways just make for good blogging.

That is why I briefly considered ending my blogging career once I got married. But then I decided it would be cruel to deny the world of my writings. And by the world, I mean the two people I pay to read my posts (thanks Mom and Dad!!)

So for now, this blog isn’t going anywhere. And most likely, it won’t change that much. I may drink diet sodas now, and yes, my average bedtime has shifted from midnight to 9:30, but other than that, I’m still the same Matthew you all knew and hated loved before I got married. I still struggle with insecurities. I’m still trying to figure out this life one day at a time. I still think the world is stupid and will take advantage of any opportunity to make fun of everything and everyone. I am nothing if not consistent. I’m just a boy, sitting in front of a computer, wanting to blog about his thoughts, experiences, and the occasional random gif that doesn’t really make any sense but that I like to share because I think it’s funny, like this one:

The Secret Life (and Death) of a Murderer of Love

Once upon a time, in a strange, faraway land called “Utah,” there lived a man whose disdain for all things romantic seemed irrepressible. He was, as they say, a “murderer of love.”

The normal ups and downs of life had left him in a cold, hardened state–much like frozen hamburger meat, though not nearly as easy to thaw, nor as delicious to eat.

A villainous being who was more or less allergic to all things love-related, he trudged through life with a glare plastered on his face, wishing ill will to any who shamelessly paraded their love around for everyone to see.

As time went on, his disdain evolved to an alarming level. One night, at the peak of his bitterness, he wrote these rather antagonistic words about love:

Clearly… true love does not exist! At least, not in the romantic sense.

People oftentimes claim to find their one true love, their soul mate, their other half . . . whatever you call it, it is all a LIE. There is not one specific person out there who is meant to be with somebody else. And you might be able to find someone who you can stand to call your spouse, but is that spouse really anything more than someone of convenience, someone who will provide you with companionship so you don’t have to feel bad about staying in and watching Netflix on a Friday night?

Harsh words from a harsh man. His disdain for love became infectious, seeping through the cracks of any building he entered like a poisonous gas. It seemed likely, for a long time, that his hatred for love could never be overcome.

Until one day, when this murderer of love crossed paths with a seductress who changed everything. She cast a spell on him that made him feel the love he had fought against for so many years.

The former murderer of love dated the seductress for over ten years (that’s ten years in Mormon Time, which is actually eight months by normal standards) until March 13th, 2015, when he got on one knee and proposed… and she said yes! Now, the murderer of love and the seductress are engaged to be married on the morning of August 15.

And thus the murderer of love has been defeated once and for all. No, he won’t pull a Lord Voldemort and come back after 15 years. He is gone for good. He has hung up the keys to the bitter chambers of his heart.

I know this because I am that murderer of love.

For years and years, I was the cloud that rained on all the couples’ parades. I was the perpetual bitter third wheel on the metaphorical tricycle of love, the wheel that always goes flat because thorns get caught in it. Yet now, I have become, as my friend so graciously pointed out, “Exactly what I used to hate.”

It has been less than a year since I wrote that true love didn’t exist. Now here I am, not just in love but freaking ENGAGED (pardon my French), and I say words like “fiance” and “shnookums” and “snuggie for two” without even batting an eye. Surely, the murderer of love in me is throwing up with rage. But I will continue to silence him until he is nothing but a distant memory, because I’m much happier now than I was before.

Though I guess in some ways, the murderer of love in me is not completely gone, nor do I think he will be anytime soon. I still hate most other people’s love. Couples are still annoying. There are only a few couples whose love is acceptable to me. I’m glad my parents love each other, because growing up with two parents who loved each other is definitely a blessing that I would never complain about, except for when I was a teenager and my parents were “uncool.” (As a side note, they’re still uncool, but the only difference now is that I’ve given up on being cool by now, so it doesn’t matter to me anymore). I am also happy that my oldest sister found love and will be getting married later this week! And nowadays I would be happy for pretty much anyone to find love, as long as they don’t show their love too much in front of me. In my love-murdering days, I would have been happy that they were happy, but at the same time resentful that more people had found love while I was stuck in my bitter state. And I might have even secretly rooted for them to become single again, as terrible as that might sound, because being single is only fun when you’re being single with someone else.

For any of you murderers of love who are reading this right now, please know that I understand where you’re coming from, and I hope you don’t see me as a traitor now that I’m engaged. I may be in a different place now, but I will never forget my roots as one of love’s most heartless murderers. Still, I would encourage you to believe that love is very real and can happen to anyone, even at the most unexpected of times. One needs to only look at some of history’s greatest couples, both real and fictional, to be reassured of that:

Adam and Eve. They loved each other so much, they even insisted on eating the same fruit!

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt. If their love ever ends, then all hope is lost in the world.

Monica and Chandler. Who proved to my middle-school self that true love did exist (I might or might not have thought Friends was a documentary at the time…), thereby delaying my status as murderer of love until high school.

Leslie and Ben. Because nerdy love is the best kind of love.

Ellen and Portia. Because I might or might not have watched their wedding video (by accident, of course… I was trying to watch football but was led to the video by mistake), and it was touching!

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. Because their love is deeper than any of us humans can possibly understand.

So there you have it. Love does exist, and it can be found. Even I was able to find love in a hopeless place: Utah.

I would like to end with some words of wisdom: This world is a terrible place, filled with terrible people. When you’re lucky enough to find someone who isn’t terrible, who makes you feel like this world is a place worth living in, then you should take advantage of it. Even if you are a murderer of love.